Today I’ll go wandering for half a day. I must get out of here for a bit. I have my thermo can, I’ll take some food with me, and I’m gonna enjoy the fine weather here. I wish I had a girl to take with me, or an angel like I thought some weeks ago, haha, but I guess I have to walk alone for now. I think lately I’m trying to be more normal. Having less of a focus on the supernatural but on everyday things. The mental issues that I have are hard to understand, but I know that most of it is just mental illness. I’m not really a freak, but I’ve touched the freakish when I wanted to have an angel as a girlfriend and stuff like that. Not only was that idea not alright with my Heavenly Father, it was also not quite alright with the fact that I am human and should mind either human or divine things. I guess there are evil angels who try to tempt us, holding humanity in contempt and trying to lure them away from the life we’re supposed to live. Not that we are merely chimps or stone breakers or cave dwellers or “sheep”, but we should live here differently than holding high our nose and thinking we’re the masters of the universe. We are called to be humble, only it must be a living, freely-breathing and joyful humility that we can only live with our Father, with Jesus, the lamb of God.

One thing I’m thinking of much is imagining Jesus’ way of speaking, which did not consist of screaming and shouting or making snide remarks but which was, I believe, soft and mild, quiet, and earnest. I don’t believe that Jesus was a big rhetorician, I don’t even think that Jesus, during His earthly life, was such a big brain. I hope nobody misunderstands me, but if someone were to measure Jesus’ IQ back then he would have gotten a 150, or 160, not infinity. Jesus was bright, but it was His wisdom and genius which counted, not his education or high IQ. The book of Hebrews in the bible speaks of Jesus praying much, with loud cries and emotionality. The bible also mentions Jesus being very afraid of the crucifixion in Gethsemane. Jesus wasn’t really omnipotent God walking around and moving a finger and things were accomplished. Instead Jesus was fully man, and acted like a servant of God, albeit the perfect servant. In order to atone for our sins, Jesus had to live a perfect life. He was Papa’s boy. The wonder of Jesus is not in his being an authority, it is in how he understood authority. And Jesus was limited, His freedom and might came from God the Father, not from Himself. God always listened to Jesus, but He wanted Jesus to live in a certain way, and Jesus always knew and understood and accepted that, and delighted in it.

We don’t really have to listen to people who claim an authority without being willing to sacrifice something for such a position. Without being willing to prove their love. Before we can demand something from someone, we need to prove our trustworthiness. And Jesus’ life with the many healings and such, and the cross and the resurrection, proves God’s trustworthiness.

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an update

There are many things going on around here. For the past 4 weeks I’ve been regularly attending the divine service in town, once in the lutheran city church, and thrice in a catholic chapel. I must admit that I like the catholic services more, except for some of the more lutheran songs that have become dear to me.

Yesterday evening I had an episode of “the fear” coming to me again, the fear that God rejects other people and is harsh and tyrannical. He is not, but christian doctrine does have sour parts to itself that make it seem like this. In reality God is a source of wonder, love and hope, but God’s community has often preached God’s wrath or made his love so conditional and limited that God became obscured to us. In our day there again many people who believe in God’s love, but there are also those who turn love into a mere favor. But that is exactly the wrong thing to do, God is different from us and His ways are higher than our ways, and He does not delight in limited love but instead in unconditional and unlimited love. But us scarred humans, eager to mistrust the good, don’t appreciate this either because it sounds “too pink” to be true.

But it’s hard to find good literature about this in the web. Usually the people who believe in an unconditional love of God are those who are themselves sinful and blighted, who have no high opinion of themselves as God’s favored ones or God’s chosen or God’s elect or however they call themselves. I am of the view that this world needs something that would help us bring to light the central message of God, “Come to me and find love”, without theology that complicates everything. The bible, for me, is a book of opinions and thoughts, it is no theological manifesto. It is in fact a collection of letters, it is not a doctrinal textbook. And the reality that stood behind these letters was more than what the letters themselves alluded to. We need a living Christ, not just words on a page. To be with the living Christ is a bliss, but instead some of christianity contends itself with a Christ figure who can only act like the book says, the book has imprisoned God in our minds. What was meant to elucidate the thoughts of some godly people like Paul, became a pattern to be followed in order to become godly, and that while godliness is a personal matter that is different from person to person.

I also harbor a grudge against some people who made God and Jesus less accessible and less kind and forgiving in order to drive people to be more diligent and disciplined. One example of this, for me, is Bonhoeffer’s cost of discipleship. In my view, what Bonhoeffer really attempted was to get the people to renounce things like fascism, and that they could not hide behind grace in order to evade this responsibility. But in the way it carried him forward, he made it a big issue that God’s grace is costly and requires a thoroughly changed life. In reality it does not quite work like that. We believe in Christ and do become changed as we become more loving and concerned about other people’s welfare. But this is not something we pursue on our own. We don’t repent so deeply but in fact only turn to God and He shows us what really matters in life. We are changed spiritually, not so much morally. It’s not that we develop a new morality, instead we become infused with a new spirit. As it is, Bonhoeffer’s book is another call to sacrifice all you have in order to gain God, but that’s missing the point. We don’t need superdisciples that make a show of abandoning all in order to confess a faith, instead we need many people that are sensitive to the needs of the day. Bonhoeffer himself, until his work in resistance began, was just a theology professor. He didn’t abandon his position to join the poor. In my view, he should not have preached costly grace but instead an engaged grace, he should not have locked doors but instead opened new ones. At least this is my desire in the spirit, to find freedom in Christ by finding options. This whole “give up” thing reminds me to Anonymous Alcoholics more than to what I perceive as the christian life. Sometimes an AA step is ok, but making it the demand of God to be fulfilled before there can be grace? I don’t think so. And sometimes grace can’t be made cheap enough. It is forgiveness, not God’s eternal favor.

I wish I could make my life in the group home here more cozy as it was in winter 2011 when I was so happy with my mother and with my snow shoveling. I’ve rarely been as happy and contend as back then, and that while I did not just pursue a joy or a happiness but also fulfilled duties. I don’t know where I belong these days and what I should do, if I should stay here in the group home or get out into my own flat again. I think I will decide for the latter as I am still too young to stay in a group home, but I am a bit afraid of becoming lonely once I live on my own again. I ask myself if I should go to one of  the workshops for the sick and the disabled nearby. That way I would be with people and wouldn’t be so alone. But I worry if I would be able to do all the work and not become grumpy because of the duties.

I’ve played a lot of a new game I got as a bonus reward for my new graphics card, Thief. It is not AS good as the old titles, but it’s not bad. I miss the zombies and burricks and all, the deep and mystical feeling of the first Thief Game, but it’s alright.



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Today’s a pretty good day. I feel calm and careful.

I also found help with my schizo. I think that some of my mental issues with voices and unwanted images may come from trying to change my mind about things to see if there is more to something. So instead of keeping my quiet and calmth, I am always destroying these things in order to push myself. That pushing used to work sometimes when I was small, driving me into euphoria occasionally, and that’s what my inerted mind pursues. But my mind does not work as well anymore and many things have changed for me, so this pushing seems wrong now. It’s hard to put in words, most of the time it’s just about thoughts and images that don’t come so clearly and brightly to me anymore than when I was still healthy.

God really is not the problem in these things, and I don’t have to change my beliefs all the time either. I know my Lord is good and wishes me well and sends positive things to me, and about doctrines I also know as much as I need to know. The time now is not for more doctrinal seeking but for applying what I know in daily life, and doing that application better than the last day. Most of the time this is really about remembering to sanctify my life through prayer and thanksgiving, and about remembering to love everyone I meet.

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returning to church christianity

I’m returning to church christianity. This is a process that has begun about one and a half weeks ago and I think it’s really the best I can do and the best that could happen to me. I still cherish my atheist friends and relatives as the people that belong to me and to whom I belong, but Jesus is my Savior and my main duty is to Him and I must stick closer to Him than I was able to do on my own. Sometimes I bought into bad things like believing the church is not good, but for all the issues I and others had with it, it is God’s church and it is a community of believers that I belong to too and share love and companionship with. I sometimes have bad thoughts about this, what other people might think about me or what my old self thought about it, but that’s not right. I belong to Jesus and have to grow in His grace and that’s most of what matters in this life and church is the place where to accomplish and find this. I’ve also decided to quit all porn and masturbation. Porn’s always been a bad idea and masturbation without porn isn’t satisfying so both has to go. I know I feel better without the stuff. I had a dream about this last night, actually, that masturbation and porn are ways to have sex without sex somehow, and I’d only be cheating myself with it. Sex belongs into marriage in God’s eyes, that’s where God is leading me these days. It is an expression of real love and I guess the catholic church also has a point when it connects sex to making babies. My mother taught me such a kind of view of sex when I was small, but when I became a youth I abandoned it, went to sex shops, watched according movies on TV, dillydallied sexually with girls and so on. I regret all this crap now, and I think I may have had a good chance with my first love had I not been so interested in sex with her and had given my soft feelings for her a better chance of expression. At least that’s what I know from my memories of her looks at me in some moments of when we shared a sense of genuine love. She was not all that innocent and probably slept around with others much more than me, but exactly that was the point, we talked about true love but in the end we just followed our flesh, because I know that she continued to sleep around while I got lost with my games and loneliness and porn things.

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new vistas

Lately I’m considering to return to atheism or to another way of looking at the religious and spiritual things. For me, the thought is that God is not quite the right term for someone to refer to God. In fact I think that God is really a term for the Kosmos itself, for the light in the Kosmos, for certain living principles that are at work in it. And that this God is in fact not quite identical with the deities worshiped in the world’s religions, although the religions do all contain bits and pieces of truth about this God and His things. The New Testament makes a start by identifying God with the SPIRIT and that is probably the best way to put it.

But I still reject many bits and pieces of dogma that one can find in the christian religion. For example, I don’t believe that God ever started a war or that He would damn anyone. In fact God is forgiving and you only need to put a tiny mustard seed of faith in Him, and the trees of sin and revenge and wrath don’t matter anymore. For some people, faith is an involving thing, they make it the central point of a religious system, and live after it. But for other people faith is simply like being glad when the sun rises again. God being part of the Cosmos, in my view, is already happy when we love a part of the cosmos, when we understand something in the Cosmos. We’re a part of the Cosmos ourselves, and the will of the Cosmos is to turn existence into life.

Part of this will required once that we die. That we leave this part of the Cosmos behind ourselves, maybe indefinetly because I don’t know so far whether there is really an afterlife. Maybe nature sacrifices itself so that it can continue to exist, and that simply is the route that the Cosmos has taken in this matter at this point. But greater than this drive in the Cosmos, to let parts of itself die so that other parts may thrive better, is the drive of the Cosmos to spread itself through itself, until it is fully saturated with itself. And it is the living creature itself that is the avatar of the Cosmos in this matter, to make it all good again.

God as the guardian spirit of the Cosmos now works to make the universe good, to make the Cosmos bloom. To that end, at least this planet had to evolve sentient creatures that would spread life from the Earth to the other parts of the Cosmos that exist but do not fully live yet. That is really mankind’s cosmic mission, to take the life of this planet and to put it on other parts of the Cosmos. And to keep alive itself and not get destroyed.

To that end, and because mankind must be vindicated frequently, man is a mortal being just like the other individual living creatures. I am sure that if the cosmic project of mankind doesn’t work out, God and the Cosmos have more cards up their sleeve. But their nature being love means that the Cosmos gives us time to reach this noble goal. We know from science that man exists on Earth for about 100,000 years now. And we’ve only left behind the animal life about 10,000 years ago. Nature always has time. We die individually, but as a species we’re rather strong and have pretty much secured our indefinite survival. And the plan would work out even if we were just 1 million of humans, not 8 billions.

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christmas celebration in the group home

Today we had our main christmas celebration in the group home. It was very nice albeit a bit simple. We sang several old christmas songs and some of the others made a small nativity play. Helmut looked funny with a fur hat as he was playing one of the sheperds. Natalya played one of the kings and Mr Reuter played the donkey. We had no baby so a candle symbolized the little Christ.

Then we had cake, cookies and coffee. The cake was good… and the cookies too, although they were a bit too tough.

Lately I am have issues with being somewhat selfish and aggressive, in my mind only but still. I wish I could be kinder, and more by heart. I can be kind but it semes to be calcuclated, i dont know, i dont understand it myself.



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got my new computer

Mom bought a new computer for me, I got it last week on Thursday. It’s a gaming and multimedia machine from Agando. Hexacore, r7 graphics card, 8 gbs of ram, a 1000 gb hard disk, etc. It’s a pretty cool machine although it sometimes crashes unexplainably, though that was the same with my old computer here.

In the evening I still labor with fears. But when I pray and talk with God a bit, things get better and God visits me and I’m alright again.

I am less afraid now of loosing my mother. When she dies one day, she’ll just go home and I’ll see her again after I have died too. And in the meantime, I’ll have my sisters, my friend Jens and other people who would love me.

It’s Christmas time now and I’m enjoying it. In the weekend we get delicious cakes.

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