Today was a rather busy day. I went shopping with Benjamin, because Sabine is sick with an infection and couldn’t do it. I’m always happy when the shopping trips are done and over, somehow they really stress me out.
I don’t know why so often I am afraid of doing what can be considered work and duty. Most of the time I do the work, and try to do it right, but usually I have anxiety about it. I either feel overwhelmed by it all, or I am busy inside of me with my religious or psychological stuff and feel unable to really concentrate on the work. It’s really not easy for me. The only work I have come to actually delight in is cooking. Somehow I almost don’t mind cooking at all. It’s a joy for me to cook, and it’s an even bigger joy for me to cook for other people. As soon as the butter is in the pan and the meat is frying, then I’m feeling happy somehow.
The thing with the work is really weird. I live in this group throughout the whole week, and I have one day in the week with some more duties, one day with a small duty and one day with a normal duty. But I always think of these days, and can hardly relax. Added together it’s maybe a workload of 6 hours per week, not more, but still I feel anxiety about it. I feel kind of ashamed about it and don’t like to tell it to other people. And I know that some of this is sinful as I am supposed to see justice in everyone doing what they are supposed to do, including their duties at home. And it’s not anything like slavework, and it’s not a hardship. But still I feel bad about it.
Maybe I’m just weird or something.