4 days ago I dropped the Risperdal. Emotionally, it is MUCH MUCH better now, but there were also some other effects. For example, for some reason it is hard for me to write poetry now. It’s just not flowing and it doesn’t feel honest. I hope this will pass. The demon voice, which had left for sometime at first, also came back. I don’t hear it often and I don’t feel subjugated, but it’s enough to bother me.
Indira wrote to me a nasty poem about how she believes I am laughing about her and that she thinks I am a liar. I don’t know what she means, I cannot recall that I laughed about her in any way. I have found her funny sometimes like when she made this photo and drew a Bugs Bunny on it. That was so funny. But I really don’t think I have ever laughed about her. And I do not believe that I have lied to her. I’m unsure about my feelings and sometimes I fear that I am not real, the whole schizo ordeal, but that’s not the same as lying. It’s sad how our relationship deteriorated so much. And I don’t even mean a love relationship, I just mean how we think of each other, all that stuff. It’s become so nasty. It hurts to think of it.
It has snowed outside today. Not enough to force me to go clean the yard, but sooner or later it will happen. But that’s ok.
I’ve been praying a lot for other people. There were some prayer requests at forums I go to.
I don’t know what to make of it, but I feel really good and yet my mind is so confused. For minutes I feel like a completely healthy man, then the confusion starts again. And it’s giving me problems making choices and decisions. I just can’t follow through with any of them.