I had a really intense time in October. I began a strict diet again and lost 6 kilos in 5 weeks. The fasting was a good idea, not just because of the weight loss but also because it seems to have empowered me spiritually. It felt like something grew in me, a sense of strength and new health. I say new health because I don’t simply feel repaired or healed or so … it’s like a new power in me that hadn’t been there before. Something bloodred, something enduring and beautiful.
I have a new friend now, a woman from the Philippines. Me and her get along very well with each other, it is love. But we both stand back from complete romantic love, because of the distance and similar hindrances. Doesn’t stop us from being there for each other. She helped me come to terms with my past and with the Indira stuff. Suddenly it wasn’t all that awful anymore to let it go, suddenly I had someone watching my back and giving me soul support. I never quite had this before, except with my friend Reiny, but he died … so I didn’t have anyone.
My life still happens in my rooms only, unfortunately. I did some wandering trips, went to the city a few times, but most of the time I still sit a the computer. I got back at writing poetry though.
I’ve stopped playing computer games at the beginning of October, and I don’t miss it. However, I do miss a means to relax myself, to let go. The inward unrest … sometimes it feels like good stress, sometimes like bad stress.
About God … sometimes I feel very close to Him, but I also still have periods when I sink between the waves.
I think I have spent way too much time with romantic love longings. I understand now how work can be such a big and good part of life. This sense of making myself substantial. That the wind doesn’t blow me away anymore so easily.
In winter I will get into a therapy, for 5 months. That is, if the office permits it. I’m not sure about it yet though the social worker at the hospital said I should get it without problems.
I am still fighting with myself a lot. Sometimes I have this awful, empty inward resistance to life like it should be lived. My mind is a betrayer and my flesh is a deciever. If I didn’t have Christ and if He didn’t see the good in me, I’d probably just hate myself.
Have a good day!