update

The last few days were not so great. First the breakup with Vicky, then emotional troubles. Like I alluded to in a previous post, I had fallen into some sexual sin – I was visiting some porn sites. After the initial “pleasure” it felt weird, as if I had become a meatbag, as if my soul had said no, I don’t want to be here. I have it all up quickly after that, and now I don’t have any desire for these sites anymore. The meatbag feeling was gone quickly.

I’ve tried to trust in God being good. It worked well for some time. But now it’s like something’s missing, as if I need to find a way of living better with God so that He can help me daily. I don’t expect big miracles, just a means to get to feel ‘alright’ about myself. I mean not just the thought that I am alright, but a real feeling and knowing that I am, in Christ. That’s what I have been longing for for years now … sometimes, for some hours I had it, but never continually.

There is a lot to do in the garden now. On Monday I mowed the lawn. I watered the plants and filled up our cisterns with water from the well. Mom cut down many plants and bushes in the garden and I broke or bent all the plant waste and filled it in plastic bags. Tomorrow my nephew will come with his car and he and mom will bring all the waste to a farmer nearby who offered to take it for his waste dump.

Inbetween I was very sleepy and apathetic. Everything felt too much for me and it was a struggle doing the garden chores for mom. She was very upset at times. I know I must do my share in the house and garden and I do want to help my mom, but I have trouble motivating myself sometimes. It’s ok again now but it was hard for a while.

I have some financial troubles. I thought I hadn’t spent that much money but two days ago I checked my bank account and it is nearly empty. I was able to buy some tobacco with which I have to last until next month. It’s not much but I need to reduce the amount I am smoking anyway. I found I smoke much less if I don’t smoke at my desk and instead go on the balcony or into the other room.

Today we had a strange lunch. A so-called pizza liver loaf. Basically it was liver loaf with vegetables, cheese and salami right in it. It was actually pretty tasty.

Two days ago I saw a good movie, Transamerica. It’s about a transgendered woman that gets to know she has a grown up son who is in prison. She had planned to undergo her gender reassignment surgery, but her therapist said before she could get that she needed to face up to her past. The movie is about how she and her son travel from NY to LA, and what they experience on the way. A very serious and engaging movie. It once again confirmed to me that I am not transgendered at all, that I am just a man.

I have been somewhat apathetic about gaming too. I play some Dominions 3 but not that much. Today I slept most of the time. Maybe it is the sleeping that made me feel so depressed? I have had that before that I napped during the day, feeling wonderful when I slept in, but then waking up and feeling like a steam train ran over me.

I also had bouts of fear for the future. I really don’t know what I will do should mom die or even if she gets frail and needs to go to the nursing home. I guess I will just get an appartment in the city, but I can’t see it right now.

About romance stuff, I think I will just let all of that be. Not just for a while, but definetly. That thing with Vicky taught me that for a marriage you need money and a degree of mental health, unless you are extremely lucky and get a wealthy partner or something like that.