hallo emmel, ich weiß ich kann hier nicht so normal schreiben wie es schön wäre aber es geht schon, oder?
ich weiß nicht richtig wo du bist. ich sehe immer dein ärztingesicht. du siehst sehr gut aus.
wir sehen wohl alle ganz anders aus wie früher. schönheit schüchtert mich immer ein bißchen ein.
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I’m just poetry
a whiff of strange that
an earnest thought
odd laughing
and love that cannot
understand that much
and knows something
I’m having a difficult time again. I still stay on top of it but thoughts are racing and I feel the same hesistancy growing up against trusting the others. It’s like a mild panic attack and I shiver and feel the need to smoke all the time and loosing my peace and calmth. I will it away but don’t know where to go with my thoughts. I know that love is a forgiving master so I am trying to trust at least that, and my God of course.
I don’t think it’s from a lack of medicine. At least I don’t hope this is the reason. I never want to go into the Risperdal hell again. It changes you inside, you can’t respond to your own feelings anymore, it feels so estrangening.
I looked at a good video though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXDMoiEkyuQ&feature=player_embedded
This kind of helped. Trust is really the backbone and the marrow of the inward life, and if it’s going away anything goes downhill. What helps me is scripture quoting, especially my baptism verse:
“The Lord is friendly, and His goodness endures forever.”
Sometimes I have seen this whitish circle in my mind, and sometimes it looked dull, but when I quoted this verse it became bright again. I suppose this is kinda like forgiveness, it means you can live, God will fight against the death that is the result of sin.
There is this german proverb: “Danken schützt vor Wanken”. But we need someone to be thankful to, and that must be God … although it may also overflow to the world and to the people you encounter, even random strangers. We are all still alive today. And Jesus made sure we will always be alive.
It’s been a bad two days. I felt very confused again. And I still feel like that.
I’m trying to breed something new, something that is from me and from God maybe, but not from other people.
Something like a way to walk on that doesn’t give way. Haaa.
I have a hard time thinking and existing for real without resorting to Indira thoughts. When I distract myself I manage ok for some time but after a while things just fall apart. It’s like when I get conscious of myself, I also get conscious of Indira. Like some married man, only we’re not married at all.
I don’t want to be an obsessed loon.
I think I can manage that. Just letting go and aborting the sorrow and anger and frustration, turning to Jesus and letting myself be comforted while I rely on God. I am unhappy, but is that such a biggie?
Outside it’s been sunny all day but I didn’t get out. A new friend gave me the advice to get into content writing for websites. I think I could do such a job. And it pays reasonably way, better than security service anyway.
I’m thinking of family and friends. I found many new online friends in the last 3 months. They’re all very good to me.
it’s impossible to know everything
why did I ever believe I could know this?
I cannot ask God to give me a book
that gives me a divine head
nobody knows what life is all about
except when they yield to the true needs
to want to be righteous is a hopeless affair
ending in either endless suffering
or in terrible hypocrisy
I guess only love must remain
the love that a human heart can have anyway
and the love of God
in which we shall always believe in
I don’t want to be a law robot anymore
I don’t want anymore to kill myself with this
I want to feel alive, I want to feel human
it’s been such a long journey
for such a small insight
things I used to know
which I was forced to think they did not matter
part of me is an angry animal
wanting to lash out against those
who stole my peace
but I do not want to tbe a hypocrite
I have understood that love is the answer
there isn’t anything else I can give
4 days ago I dropped the Risperdal. Emotionally, it is MUCH MUCH better now, but there were also some other effects. For example, for some reason it is hard for me to write poetry now. It’s just not flowing and it doesn’t feel honest. I hope this will pass. The demon voice, which had left for sometime at first, also came back. I don’t hear it often and I don’t feel subjugated, but it’s enough to bother me.
Indira wrote to me a nasty poem about how she believes I am laughing about her and that she thinks I am a liar. I don’t know what she means, I cannot recall that I laughed about her in any way. I have found her funny sometimes like when she made this photo and drew a Bugs Bunny on it. That was so funny. But I really don’t think I have ever laughed about her. And I do not believe that I have lied to her. I’m unsure about my feelings and sometimes I fear that I am not real, the whole schizo ordeal, but that’s not the same as lying. It’s sad how our relationship deteriorated so much. And I don’t even mean a love relationship, I just mean how we think of each other, all that stuff. It’s become so nasty. It hurts to think of it.
It has snowed outside today. Not enough to force me to go clean the yard, but sooner or later it will happen. But that’s ok.
I’ve been praying a lot for other people. There were some prayer requests at forums I go to.
I don’t know what to make of it, but I feel really good and yet my mind is so confused. For minutes I feel like a completely healthy man, then the confusion starts again. And it’s giving me problems making choices and decisions. I just can’t follow through with any of them.
you must know your foolishness
to get a taste for wisdom
you must know your failure of love
to know what love is like
you must have messed yourself up
to get a whiff of beauty
you must have hurt someone
to know what pain really means
you must have given up entirely
to see the seed of courage
you must have lost everything
to understand the value of life
It’s a really grey december day. I am glad it doesn’t snow. Hopefully we will have a good winter.
I talked with my mother again about moving to the city. She doesn’t say much about it anymore, I believe I can take action now. Except … she really wants me to move into a community as opposed of into a flat for myself.
For now I have to wait a bit until I know how dropping the Risperdal medicine will turn out. As of now it works pretty spectacularly, most of my thought problems have gone away, my mornings are finally good again and I feel only little anxiety anymore.
I want to get back at writing poetry. But I am not sure what to write about. I think I should finally practice writing more humorously. I have a new YM pal who showed me the poems of Frank O’Hara, and I think they are amazing, so stylish and sparkling, like very old Hollywood movies. I know I still have a lot in me, pearls of beauty and depth, but I cannot always sense them. It is difficult for me to have a simple and genuine, accurate self esteem, I either fear myself or I am proud.
Why can it be so hard to simply always do the right thing? Like, comfort my friend when I know life is difficult for her, entrust myself to God when I know He is waiting for me to do just that, and to give me the blessings that are reserved for the trusting.
I read up more about the effects of Risperdal on schizos and found the comment of a patient who said that after going on Risperdal he felt an incredible fear of change of emotions. I had something like this too, and I always loathed myself for it, I felt so inadequate and so immature and lazy. If it turns out the Risperdal had a hand in this I would have to laugh my ass off. Although it’s kind of scary to think that a pill can change so much about you that you become so completely estranged from yourself.
I want to think up some poems or ideas by which I could inspire Indira. Just little things that don’t trigger romantic feelings but which make you feel good. Women have a richer emotional life than men and I know that making them feel better is very appreciated by them. I think I want to build a website for her or something, just showering her with kind love and advice and inspiration. I should have done this a long time ago. But I know I must do it very well or she will not appreciate it so much.
I know that unconditional love is always appreciated by the vast majority of people. There’s just nothing disturbing about it, it is pure sanity. We should love anyone like this. But at least for me I can say that often I want to love in order to make myself feel better. That’s not evil, but it’s not the perfect manifestation of love. On the other hand, maybe our human need for feelings really isn’t so evil either. Feelings and intuition can be wiser than human reasoning. But as it seems anyone really has to find out for himself/herself what our feelings really mean to us, what they are saying to us. There are many masters of thought but I have never met someone who really knew his way around feelings so well.
For example, I am sure now that I can give Indira pure, unconditional love. But then for some reason I may happen to think of my need for sex. And then my mind associates something and i have an image before me of Indira’s boyfriend touching her. I am honest when I say I don’t want to think like that. But the associations simply come, and then I suddenly feel jealousy. My whole way of feeling changes and the gentleness that was in my feelings and even in my thoughts, it leaves me and I feel like a lump of flesh full of desires again. I can handle just being Indira’s dear friend. I always remember that this life is temporary and that eternal life awaits us where our love will be so pure and where there will not be the massive influence of the sexual anymore, where many other joys await that as of now we cannot begin to fathom. A life without evil, without suffering, without sin, without hatred, without fear. I do not want to get this eternal life one day and God and the others I will live with will say, oh Daniel, you messed up life so bad, you had Indira’s regard and affection and you didn’t want anything else but to sleep with her. i am not like that, but when the images come of course they trigger me somehow. While we live on this Earth lust is a frequent temptation. And after all sex is a good and beautiful thing, or the temptation wouldn’t be so huge. That’s where the humiliation stuff crept in, I felt like some sort of “teacher” wanted to show me how bad I am, how childish, how immature. And not in an educational way, that actually achieves something, but instead in humiliation, like … I dont know, it evokes such bad feelings in me. This terrible sense of inadequacy.
